This guide offers a guide on how to use the Tarot for guidance during challenging times. It provides 99 deep questions to ask your Tarot deck, including questions about your own path, past impact on your current situation, and ways to bring more love into your life.
To get insightful answers from the Tarot cards, it is important to ask the right type of questions that will help you move forward in life instead of slowing you down. To get an accurate reading, there are several tips for the best reading and perfect Tarot questions to ask.
To ask effective Tarot questions, ask specific and concise questions, ask open-ended questions, ask questions about yourself, focus on the present, and avoid asking at the wrong questions. For example, instead of asking what your friend can do, pull cards about your feelings, what you can do to care for yourself, and what support you need.
Anxiety issues may show up in a tarot reading, so it is crucial to be in a calm and peaceful place to avoid angsty, agitated cards. Tarot cards are a medium to understand things you may already know or decipher patterns. To soothe your ever-present anxiety, ask the cards, “What is in my power to control today?” and draw and lay it down. Pay attention to the first thought and use the Tarot to help you navigate through your current situation and find the answers you need.
In summary, the Tarot is a powerful tool for providing insight and clarity during challenging times. By asking the right questions, focusing on the present, and asking questions that align with your strengths and weaknesses, you can better navigate your life and find the answers you need.
📹 Sometimes, you don’t recognize the gaslighting until the relationship is over! #gaslighting
Hey babe how’s your day good how was yours mine was good i’m trying to see what you made for dinner oh my god i totally forgot …
What is the saddest tarot card?
Theresa Reed, known as The Tarot Lady, discusses the grieving process and the Five of Cups, which she believes is the saddest card in the deck. Grief doesn’t happen in a neat package with stages, and sometimes you can’t fully recover. Megan Devine’s book, It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand, offers a profound and honest look at the grieving process, with tips, practices, and stories to aid in healing after loss.
What should I ask daily tarot pulls?
Tarot cards can help you get your intuition flowing by asking six questions each morning: What energy is affecting you this morning? Where can I focus on today for a great day? Is there anything I need to let go of today? What can I do to improve (situation) today? How am I presently living in alignment?
For beginners or those looking to improve their Tarot reading confidence, memorizing all the meanings of each card can be overwhelming. However, tapping into your intuition and trusting what comes up is essential. One way to practice this is the Daily Tarot Card exercise, where you pull one card every day for yourself and see what kind of guidance you get.
Starting your day differently by tuning into your intuition with your Tarot cards sets your day up for success and makes you more intuitive by working as a tool to nudge your mind in the right direction.
What not to ask in tarot?
Tarot card readings can be a powerful tool for interpreting the world around us. However, it is important to avoid asking questions that you are not ready to answer, as they may reveal messages you are not yet ready to face. Some common questions to avoid include questions that have already been answered, questions about your future, questions about others, medical-type questions, the same question repeatedly, yes-or-no questions, and future-predicting questions.
To ensure a clear reading, it is essential to know the best practices for asking questions in tarot. Professional tarot readers share their favorite questions they hate answering, which can help you prepare for the best types of questions to ask in tarot readings. By following these guidelines, you can better prepare yourself for the insights and messages that come with a clear reading from tarot cards.
What is the most emotional tarot card?
The Queen of Cups is a tarot card that symbolizes compassion, emotional depth, and intuitive wisdom. It represents a mature instinctual female with qualities of love, kindness, and sensitivity. The King of Cups, a powerful figure in the Tarot deck, represents emotional balance, compassion, and wisdom. Its upright and reversed meanings, symbolism, and impact on various aspects of life are explored. The King of Cups is profoundly significant within the Tarot deck, offering insights into emotional intelligence, relationships, and personal growth.
It invites us to embrace our inner wisdom and find harmony between our hearts and minds, whether it appears upright or reversed. This journey of self-discovery is a captivating realm of the King of Cups.
What is the most powerful tarot card?
Tarot cards are a popular tool for self-reflection and guidance, as well as entertainment and exploring subconscious mind aspects. However, there is no single card that stands out as the most powerful. Each card has different meanings and impacts, depending on the context, question, and reader interpretation. Some of the most influential cards include The Fool, the first card of the Major Arcana, which represents new beginnings and infinite possibilities.
The Fool is often depicted as a young man about to step off a cliff, with a dog at his feet, a bag on his shoulder, and a white rose in his hand. The Tower, the third card, represents the power of turning ideas into reality and the potential to create and transform ourselves. Overall, the Tarot cards play a significant role in shaping our lives and providing guidance.
What is the luckiest card in the tarot?
The Wheel of Fortune card, part of the Major Arcana, is a symbol of destiny, fortune, success, elevation, luck, and felicity. It is often depicted in a six- or eight-spoked wheel, often attended by an individual dressed in an Egyptian-style headdress. In some decks, such as the AG Müller, the wheel is also attended by an individual wearing a blindfold. The wheel is not always inscribed with any lettering, but the letters T-A-R-O (clockwise) or T-O-R-A (counter clockwise) can be found aligned against four of the spokes, which can also be interpreted as R-O-T-A, the Latin word meaning “wheel”.
In some decks, such as the Waite, the wheel is inscribed with additional alchemical symbols representing the four elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. These emblems can also be seen on the Magician’s table in the Magician card (Card I).
What tarot card means overwhelmed?
The Ten of Wands is a tarot card that symbolizes the feeling of being overwhelmed and burdened by responsibilities. It is part of the Minor Arcana, specifically the suit of Wands, which represents ambition, drive, and initiative. The Ten of Wands is particularly significant in this context, as it encourages us to examine our actions and make necessary adjustments to find balance and relief. The Upright Meaning of the Ten of Wands is Embracing Responsibility and Hard Work, while the Reversed Meaning is Letting Go and Seeking Support. The advice position is Rediscovering Your True Priorities, and self-reflection questions are provided to help us understand its significance.
Which is the strongest tarot card?
The Fool is a card in tarot games, not part of the Major Arcana. In most games, the Fool is independent of both plain suit cards and trump cards, and does not belong to either category. Tarot decks originally made for game playing do not assign a number to the Fool indicating its rank in the suit of trumps. The Fool is one of the most valuable cards in almost all tarot games.
In tarot games originating from Italy and France, the Fool has a unique role, sometimes called “the Excuse”. In these games, the player excuses the player from following suit or playing a trump. At the end of the trick, the player takes back the Fool and adds it to their trick pile, giving the trick’s winner the least valuable card from that same pile. If there are no cards to give in exchange, the Fool is worth one point less and an extra point is given to the trick-taker.
In a minor variant option of French tarot, a player dealt trump 1 but with no other trumps or the Fool can make trump 1 behave the same as the Fool. In official tournament rules, a player in this situation must declare their hand and force a redeal.
What is the tarot card for overcoming hardships?
The Nine of Wands is a tarot card that emphasizes resilience and the human capacity to overcome life’s challenges. The figure on the card has faced setbacks and setbacks, yet has emerged stronger and more resolute. This card symbolizes the power of perseverance and the resilience of individuals who refuse to give up despite facing challenges. It encourages pushing forward, drawing upon inner strength, and refusing to be deterred by difficulties. The Nine of Wands also emphasizes the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, as the figure on the card defends their position and potentially protects others from harm.
To navigate life’s challenges effectively, it is crucial to set clear boundaries and stand firm in our convictions. Self-care and self-preservation are not selfish acts but necessary components of personal growth and empowerment.
What is the most valuable tarot card?
The Fool is a card in tarot games, not part of the Major Arcana. In most games, the Fool is independent of both plain suit cards and trump cards, and does not belong to either category. Tarot decks originally made for game playing do not assign a number to the Fool indicating its rank in the suit of trumps. The Fool is one of the most valuable cards in almost all tarot games.
In tarot games originating from Italy and France, the Fool has a unique role, sometimes called “the Excuse”. In these games, the player excuses the player from following suit or playing a trump. At the end of the trick, the player takes back the Fool and adds it to their trick pile, giving the trick’s winner the least valuable card from that same pile. If there are no cards to give in exchange, the Fool is worth one point less and an extra point is given to the trick-taker.
In a minor variant option of French tarot, a player dealt trump 1 but with no other trumps or the Fool can make trump 1 behave the same as the Fool. In official tournament rules, a player in this situation must declare their hand and force a redeal.
What are some good questions to ask my tarot card?
Tarot cards are a powerful tool for self-discovery and guidance. They allow readers to draw one card per question, focusing on topics such as career energy, obstacles, and calling. The cards are not judgmental and can help resolve and understand various issues. Tarot readers can access answers to various topics, such as health, TV series, and career decisions.
Tarot cards work by forming a deeper connection with the universe, allowing readers to connect with their intuition, and providing a different perspective on situations they seek guidance on. They can also be used in therapy. Each card has associated keywords and meanings, and in a reading, the reader or you will interpret the symbols and archetypes of the cards. For example, if a reader asks a question about quitting their job, drawing the Death tarot card, which represents endings and new beginnings, might encourage the reader to continue their job search. Tarot cards can be a valuable tool for self-discovery and guidance in various aspects of life.
📹 If you have Abandonment Issues, this is THE CURE (WATCH THIS)
Having an abandonment wound is much more common than you think. An abandonment wound is when as a kid, we felt like in …
My dad died by suicide when I was 6 years old and I have been a chronic people pleaser up until recently when I began to spiritually awaken. I always felt as if my bottom three chakras were blocked but my heart chakra, third eye, and crown were open and balanced! I have also dated depressed and even suicidal partners.. my dad’s dad was depressed and emotionally unavailable to him..it really is a pattern, and I will break it.
I am a retired counsellor. What you are doing here, is summing up in ten minutes what I spent a working life helping people to work out. There are SO many people who feel they are less than all because of things which occurred when they were children. It really is so very sad. I|t is also very frightening to see the carnage resulting of these internalalised difficulties. I had these issues myself and for the longest time had to work through them. Absent and unavailable passive agressive parents. People need a lot of support and education BEFORE they even think of having children.
I started crying when you said ” It’s not your fault ” I felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I grew up in a broken home. In adulthood, I was in an abusive marriage and got a divorce after having a child. I need to learn to heal my abandonment wounds, so that I can help my child one day if they ever feel this way. Thank you for making this article 💕
The stop abandoning the self part is perfect. I realized I was getting massive anxiety from hanging out with people due to feeling like I’m not being entertaining enough to them. Actually, there’s no reason why I need to be entirely focused on keeping other people happy if we’re spending time together. I’m within my rights to do what I want to do.
My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mum said to me one day, ‘if you hadn’t of been so difficult me and your father might of still been together’. I was a straight A student that literally never got into trouble. Her words gave me a mindset that still affects me today. I’m nearly 40 and i tend to blame myself for everything.
Oh my, I’m crying so so much right now, I think I haven’t cried like this for years! I just broke up with my boyfriend, a very toxic relationship, and then I’m feeling not appreciated, one more time in my life, and talking about me now, I used to live life devaluing what I’ve always felt inside, talking to myself ” I’m exaggerating my feelings, my parents never divorced, they gave me food and a house and hey would compliment me here and there so I must be just augmentin the whole situation, NAH… I WAS NOT REJECTED! They love me! Of course!!! ” . And then I stopped and listen to my own head like “girl, you know that relationship with your boyfriend is very bad and many bad things happened, heavy stuff, and you still kept getting back to him all the time. YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO REALIZE THAT SOMETHING IS BROKEN IN YOU! WAKE UP! YOU DO FEEL REJECT CAUSE YOU WERE INDEED REJECTED BY YOURS PARENTS, BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, IT’S OKAY!!!!!! YOU’RE NOT GUILTY FOR FEELING LIKE THIS!!! YOUR PARENTS REALLY DIDN’T PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO YOU GIRL, THATS WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE WRONG AND YOU’RE A PIECE OF GARBAGE, CAUSE YOUR PARENTS REALLY DID YOU BAD AND DIDN’T APPRECIATE YOUFOR WHO YOU ARE AS A LITTLE GIRL!!!!” I can’t stop crying cause I fucking realized something that I always knew for so long but just now with 28 years old feeling completely abandoned and devalued, having suffered abuse from so many people that said were my friends, JUST NOW I REALLY NOTICED THE TRUTH! IT WAS LIKE I WAS LYING TO MYSELF THIS WHOLE TIME TO PROTECT MYSELF AND NOW I JUSY LET GO AND CRIED SO SO SO MUCH!
My family was moving to a new house. I came home from school and the house was empty except for our dog. I panicked and then I remembered we were moving. The dog was so glad to see me. I sat on the front porch holding her waiting for my parents. They were moving everything into the new house and forgot to meet me after school
There is a lot of truth in this article. My parents divorced when I was six. My mom left and never came back…no letters, no cards, just moved on and left me to be raised by a violent alcoholic. I constantly am doing for others, getting little care in return, for fear of losing the little I have. This makes me want to find my way so I can be who I really am without fear. There must be freedom in that. Going to try. Thanks for the article.
It’s funny, I had a bit of a spiritual awakening last May after the girl I liked left me out of nowhere (twin flame, runner/chaser blah blah) and this was the EXACT phrase that came to me while I stood sobbing in the work car park and when I got home. I wrote down everything that I could remember happening to me in my childhood and teens that I thought had affected me and underscored it with IT WASN’T MY FAULT. That outpour of emotion and crying I had as I wrote that came back when you said it on this article. 19 months later. I’m 35 now and finally decided to reconnect with my authentic self, rather than half-assing it and letting my abandonment issues dictate me.
It’s so tough. It keeps ruining relationships. People get to know you and think you’re fun and balanced, then something triggers you to react emotionally/sad that seems out of proportion to well calibrated people. It is a fear reaction but comes across as criticism/or looking for conflict. Let that happen a few too many times and despite explaining, reassuring that this is not your personality but something you are looking to fix, they always end up leaving. It makes sense but doesn’t make it hurt any less. Good people walk out because who would do that to themselves. Even when you thinknyou have a handle on it, something always creeps back up and it ends again.
I’ve been dealing with grieving over my childhood a LOT recently. This hits the nail on the hand. They never abandoned me physically, but in some ways they did, depending on the situation. I had to grow up way too fast, and just today, I don’t think I’ve EVER cried this hard and this much in my entire life. Like, I could’ve filled up a gallon bucket. They divorced and I was so split up between my parents I don’t even remember what being an actual child was like. I miss it so freaking badly and I’m hurting a lot. This is the perfect article for this. I’ve felt everything you’ve listed. Thank you.
I’m dumbfounded right now. I’m 56, well educated, have had decades of therapy and have made a lot of progress on my spiritual journey by doing shadow work, but there was always one area that I just couldn’t seem to clear up, and right now I slipped back into a depression about it, which I haven’t done in a long time. I was brought to this article and I just had a huge moment of clarity about my abandonment issues, my father rejecting me, and the types of men I have been involved with. I’ve worked on this before and thought I understood it but you supplied another piece of the puzzle. Wow, thank you for this. You’ve done what all the years of therapy didn’t do. I can’t thank you enough! *It’s Not Your Fault *
I can remember successive events which, being in an environment where there was noone to tell or get help from, i literally ‘became less’ in order to accomodate, by necessity, the dysfunctional behaviours of those around me. The voids in self identity, self awareness, self confidence and skill and development milestones that resulted from lack of nurturing and healthy social interaction had to fill with something, ( and if hadnt been able too, would likely have resulted in a serious diassociative or psychotic condition). What it filled with were what i later realised were dysfunctional and addictive behaviours – the capacity to block everything out by focussing so intently on reading and spending many hours a day doing it, avoiding people so i wouldnt feel so unsafe, unaccepted, bullied, inadequate, musunderstood, unoticed, rejected, different, and using food and sex to comfort myself and feel a sense of bodily enjoyment, however fleeting, and people pleasing, as i felt guilty for being alive, like i had to atone for existing all the time. I had a terrible emotional heart -gut pain that was constant for the first 3 and a half decades of my life, only finally declining through doing intensive trauma healing ( EMDR, etc) and becoming a parent myself. I cannot over emphasise, lack of loving care and attention is the source of most if not all mental illness, and probably a good chunk of physical illnesses too. Self care and healthy relationship development should be taught at school, sensitively, so we can assist kids before they go on to countless more traumas and deprivations to self and others.
Your “It’s not your fault” over and over again was so powerful. I was abandoned so many times. My sperm donor did horrible things to me and left at the age of 3. My mom met a guy, he was there for 2 years and died in a car accident all while i was supposed to go with and being so mad i couldnt. Then my mom shipped only me to my grandmas house not my siblings so I was so damn confused. I have severe abandonment issues, and it rips me apart everyday.
For me, and I’m sorry to my future self if I’m over sharing.. but for me.. being abused, not having my mom or dad be emotionally present (neglectful) on top of that me not having any routine care (hair, clothes) I internalized seeing other 2 parent homes, who were supportive building with each other, kids had a relationship with their parents and had clothes, and shoes consistently … Something was wrong with me because I didn’t have that. I feel ashamed because I can’t tell my childhood to someone without feeling like I’m trauma dumping or something is wrong with me, unless I know the person is infatuated (not in love) and I feel safe to be myself in that. Today I am a mother, depressed (post partum and single–no support from father and little from family) I see how hard it was for my mother to support herself, us and be present. I’m working everyday to release and heal to be be present and unfearful of the future of stability and all forms, mostly giving myself and my son what I always wanted… I do feel ashamed. And I hope I’m not doing this to my son now, he’s 2 and I know it’s not his fault for my depression, me staying in an abusive relationship and my stability currently. I deserve to heal from that now as well and understand what my parents decided to do with me, around me and for me had nothing to do with me but also if they felt better and resolved they wouldn’t have too. So i extend my grace, i extend my compassion to them as I realize they were hurting just as much as I was and inherited it.
I’d encourage everyone to watch Good Will Hunting after this, for some serious self-healing. The main character played by Matt Damon goes through this journey from abandonment and emotional unavailability / avoidant attachment, to a level of healing, guided by the character played by Robin Williams. Really important film about trauma.
It made me as a grown man cry my dad was murdered after he picked me up from school in the first grade and I was looking for my mom to protect me but she was scared and had to flee the state so she left me until I was 15 which made her emotionally and physically unavailable I’m now 38 and sabotage every relationship I’m in this article was a moment of clarity why I have that issue thank you so much
Thank you for posting this. I’m convinced God put this on my timeline because I needed to hear it. I was struggling so much from the bullying and abuse I endured the last few years, and everyone kept telling me it was my own fault and I brought it on… thank you for that blunt, cutting reminder that it was NOT my fault, and I am not responsible for evil people’s actions 🙏
Thank you so much, this opened my eyes a lot. My grandma raised me because my parents were both addicts. She was emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive because she had so much on her plate at the time. Even understanding that now as an adult, I’ve carried so much insecurity and have the need for constant validation because none of the adults in my family could give that to me or my siblings. I am still figuring out who I am because I always tried to be what I thought other people wanted. I’ve wasted so much energy and time on selfish people because of my abandonment issues. There are some loving people in this world worth fighting for and we should put ourselves at the top of that list. We have to give ourselves the love we’ve fought our whole life for.
I’m giving those toxic beliefs of myself back to those who first taught them to me. My dad thought I wasn’t tough enough, my sister thought I was stupid and worthy of contempt, my mom thought my emotions were unimportant, my mom thought all men were pigs. I’ve thought all those things about myself for decades. Now I’m giving them back to those who gave them to me.
Thanks, I needed this. In my case, I’ve always been the black sheep of the family, so I found comfort in friends. But my friends would always somehow leave. They would either move schools or countries, and this happened numerous times with my best friends. I knew it was out of their and my control, but it still sucked. It eventually became a cycle of me making close friends, and then being alone again bc they leave. I understand that it’s none of our faults. But now whenever I have some sort of meaningful relationship with anyone, even if it becomes harmful and no longer beneficial, I still have a hard time letting go. Because I lost so many people or grew apart from them in my life due to circumstances out of my control, that now when I feel like I have a choice or say in doing something about it, I should hold onto anyone I can. It’s not my fault, but I’m tired of this lonely cycle.
Very helpful. I’ve had a lifetime full emotionally unavailable people. I never could figure out how, in a whole world of people, I cannot seem to find someone that I like who likes me back. I think I’m still waiting for my mom to like me back. It’s not my fault. I’m worthy just for being me. Love that. Made me cry. Maybe now I can finally heal. Thank you.
I think the hardest thing here is even though we may realize that it’s not our fault, it doesn’t change the fact that it still happened and we still feel like that. For me, my mom was never there for me emotionally. Always made me feel like whatever I thought or felt was wrong and it didn’t matter. When I talked to her about it a few years ago, she blamed it on her dad for treating her the same way and couldn’t take responsibility for it – she still can’t to this day. I understand that she went through something traumatic, but that doesn’t change what she put me through and it makes me feel unvalidated all the time. It’s tough to get past “it’s not my fault” when it still happened and it still affects me to this day in any kind of relationship.
Your article truly changed me. I tend to have a lot of negative/intrusive thoughts, but I never realized it was linked to the shame I felt in my childhood and all this time I’ve been carrying it with me. Now I feel more happy, free, at peace and I’m starting to feel proud of who I am. For the longest time I thought there was something seriously wrong with the core of me and you made me realized what happened to me in my childhood was never truly my fault. Thank you!🙏
My mam used to tell me I’m not beautiful and I’m not good enough to be loved for who i am and that i had to work hard and make my own money to earn validation from others .. And i remember as a child i was so alone.. my dad wasn’t there cause he had to work in two different jobs and my mam was depressed all the time and emotionally abusive .. I felt so alone and abandoned so I’ve always attracted toxic relationships where they leave me cause i wasn’t good enough or i wasn’t worthy of loving.. Thank you Aaron ❤️
I grew up to my parents being unfaithful to each other. Till this day. They’re still together but they think me and my siblings don’t know what they’ve done,maybe to an extent we don’t but I know I’ve seen those messages, photos. It hurt and it effected my first real relationship and caused her to leave because of my constant jealousy. Thank you Aaron because she’d always tell me as well that it’s not my fault but i need to understand that it really wasn’t and not my fault they do that/this. Now I’m healing.
I’m a follower of Christ with abandonment wounds perusal this article. I didn’t grow up in a Christian household, God chased after me and began to build a relationship with me at around 15. This article was pretty spot-on and very accurate to my feelings AND actions. I must clarify just 2 things: your identity is founded in CHRIST and you are enough because CHRIST died for you and (if you’re born-again) lives WITHIN you. Also, chakras are a misunderstanding of the spiritual realm by which we are all affected. There are real forces of good and evil fighting around us at all times. We can sense these things but miss the mark in how we label them. If you’ve read this far, I encourage you to read the Gospel of John. God will NEVER abandon us if we choose to follow Him. It’s not about being a perfect, rule-following human. It’s all about our relationship with our dad. Our dad in heaven, God. I still can’t accept His love for me because I don’t deserve it, but I’m getting there in overcoming my shame from my abandonment wounds. I love you and may God through Jesus our Savior bless you as you choose to research and learn more about who Jesus is and all the good He wants for you in your life 🙏🏽 God bless you all in Jesus’ comforting, peaceful, life-giving name. There is no other way to life except through Jesus ✝️
This man gets it. To anyone else out there with abandonment issues or childhood trauma, watch this article ten times in a row if you have to until it sinks in. I remember the day this concept clicked for me. 50% of my trauma healing happened right then and there, as I realized I’d been “living small” my whole life due to a trauma wound. I just figured everyone else felt the same way I did and just hid it better. The more I started practicing self compassion, the more empathetic I found myself feeling and acting toward others. That part I did NOT see coming…
This was a game changer when I realized there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of my childhood. Beginning to see my parents through the eyes of compassion allowed me to mend our relationships before they both transitioned, it paved the way for me to begin my own healing journey. Thank you so much for this.
5:00 7:20 Biggest chunks of the message. Thank you so much! Subscribed. When you said they didn’t abandon you because you weren’t good enough, I broke down in tears. I didn’t realize I was holding onto that so tight. Because my brain always says “Maybe I was sent away to live with others because I was a difficult child. But I tried so hard to be a good kid, why wasn’t I good enough?”
I’ve been in an intuition seminar last week and the most important quote I learned was: you’re the Lord/ruler in your own house. Every time I recognized I’m out of myself again, figuring out how others feel, I took a deep breath and repeated with intention: I am the ruler in my own house. THAT was freeing!
It’s so good to see everybody’s story here. I was abandoned when I was 5, my mothers and my sisters moved to another place and I was left alone with my father who, thank god, was a better parent than my mother in some way, but he also made me feel emotionally abandoned. I grew up as a constant people pleaser and nowadays it’s super hard for me to trust enough to be authentic in a relationship. I‘m going through a dark night of the soul and right now I am re experiencing this immense, immense pain I was put into. Thanks for your words „it’s not your fault” they made me cry instantly.
I had workaholic parents and an already introvert neglected brother. Never had the chance to talk about my feelings or any quality conversation at home and I have always been gaslighted and marked oversensitive when I was upset because of neglect. After all these years of being unable to feel enough and worthy by just being me, I felt anxiety filling me. I start to be myself again after almost 2 years. I realised that I have to change my people pleasing approach for everything. Thanks for making this article, it helped a lot.
Wow! This stuck me so hard I have tears in my eyes. My parents separated when I was about 8 and I clearly remember the fear I felt even though that was 55 years ago. My dad was emotionally unavailable and my mum was abusive. All my life I’ve turned myself inside out to please others at my own expense and have left behind a string of failed relationships. Thank you for telling me it’s not my fault
This is SO POWERFUL, Aaron. Thankyou 🙏 Just hearing, “It’s not your fault,” was like having surgery and removing the cancerous poison my parents induced inside of my soul by allowing abuse and inflicting it on me and continue to do so. The boundary message was very good too. I have a lot of work to do there now 🙏 I’m so grateful to you 💝
I really, really struggle with this. My mom checked out emotionally at birth and invited men into our home that sexually assaulted all the children, me getting the worst of it. I don’t remember feeling or thinking it was my fault as it was survival mode throughout my childhood. Yet, I definitely have these traits. At 57 I want to set myself FREE. I have been working so hard on myself all my life and always feel like I need to fix myself. Thank you for the content. 💛
I am ruled by my abandonment wounds. Been searching all day everyday to figure myself out. So much hope when i saw this article. So much defeat when i saw its not free. I am under the poverty level. I am scared to possibly waste my finances on the unknown. 7 day free trial, ok…. those dont have a winning streak for me. Thinking about taking my chances. If its legit my life will go from hell, to peace. Enjoying my daughter instead of analizing how to gain her approval. Coming out of a 46 yr isolation of fight, flight or freeze. Stop this constant overanalyzing. Im tired. I was suicidal. Ive gathered wind in my sails but im just so tired of living this way. Is it worth the energy i have left? God all i need is you, but did you lead me here?
After perusal this ……I am sure I have been living with the mind of a abandonment wound for my whole life…. I am 68 years old and have never felt completely sure of myself. People have told me that I am excellent at many things but I can’t completely allow myself to believe it. I can’t allow myself to be proud of myself. I’ve lived with a gnawing, underlying, subconscious sadness for all of my life. My step mother hated me and told me so as early as three years old. I’m sure my father loved me because of what older family members have told me. But I don’t remember him ever telling or showing me that he loved me. Believe me…..I can go on and on with this. But I won’t. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will give this much attention and discovery for myself. Thank you……I think this may very well be the answer to my long long search for the answer to : “Where is the happiness”
Great article. I’m glad to know I actually made it far already (reframing the past, getting back to myself, stop people pleasing and doubting myself – I’m an INTJ so being different and asking myself what’s wrong with me was huge part of my life even outside my family). But – when you said “it’s not your fault”, the tears just burst out of my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. The wound is deep, but I won’t give up.
Mental abuse – because I required and requested hugs, and my mother literally refused and rejected me and my being, my soul, from the age of 8 or 9 on. She was never a hugger. Not even when I was 2 yrs old. She hadn’t hugged or safely touched me since then. She would get highly irritated and was verbally abusive when I asked for or tried to hug her, even as a toddler. My heart, mind, soul, and spirit was guilted, shamed, and humiliated by her. No matter what I did, my feelings didn’t matter. My needs didn’t matter. No matter what I said, screamed, cried, ran away, stood on my head, didn’t eat, asked, prayed, or did or said anything, she refused to hug me. I was not safe touched/hugged from toddler age on by my own mother whose job & responsibility was to feed me self love and acceptance and fondness.
Abandonment was huge for me in so many areas and for so many years in my life. The people pleaser ….. at 49, I found an intuitive healer and I told my story, I was still living with the thoughts and feelings I felt, my interpretation of what was going on was from the age in which I went through these abandonment issues. the mental age of 4, 7,9, 10… so at 7 when my dad shifted in with another lady with two kids, I questioned it. Why did dad leave me and get two new kids, what’s wrong with me, I must be ugly and dumb and unlovable. At 49 my life changed in one session, it all made sense after trying to get my head around all the shit for years. I finally was able to see my story as just a story, sure it was shit, but it wasn’t my shit! I somehow was able to let go of all of those horrible thoughts about myself and I was finally able to see ME. The person who was my truth. I was able to love myself. I never thought that would be possible but it happened. I like the person I am, I now know my own truth, not the distorted lies I’d told myself for years. With self love it bought me incredible freedom and peace. I do not need to people please the way I did, live comes from A genuine place now, not from a place of wanting acceptance or to be liked. I live in my own truth now and if others don’t like me then I don’t care…, I truly don’t as I know I am a good person, I know I’m genuine, I care and I am true. …
This made me realize whats really going on with me at a deeper level. I really struggle making and keeping friendships, i find myself thinking distancing from people eventually because of this huge fear of being judged and ridiculed. Low self esteem. Just take it day by day work on yourself little by little and know you are not alone. Thank you so much for this article!
I don’t remember much abandonment, but it may be emotional unavailability of parents sometime and then at some point in time my own desires, passion caused me to think that I am bad to have these desires, I don’t deserve, something is wrong with me that I have these desires. It is so deep that it took me 30 years to realize it and do constant healing. Body somatic work helped me a lot. The going into body with meditation and the mantra that don’t abandon yourself now is the key to healing your spiritual wound.
I was the youngest of 11 children, very religious family. At age 5, I was placed in a Catholic boarding school. A war broke, so I just kept walking till I ended up in a different country with a different language spoken there. After almost two years, I walked to the US embassy, and at 12 years old, I came to America. I finished high school and college. I got married and had two children. Both graduated from college and all well. I never felt abandoned till now. I suppressed it for so long, but now it has caught up with me. I am dealing with lots of anxiety. This entire year, I stayed in bed literally.
I am working on this very issue at Codependency Anonymous and you are so correct. I had alcoholic parents and my abandonment came from thinking I was wrong all the time and I was not lovable. Once I got in touch with that things really changed quickly. I am still healing this but have come a long way in a year. I joined Highviber, too. Thanks for your inspiration and important articles.
This was really powerful, thank you. The idea that I’m in the habit of abandoning MYSELF just rocked me to the core. I’ve been trying and failing miserably to focus more on self care and this explains why. I had connected that others did not take care of me, so that was not a learned behavior, but the idea that I am self-abandoning takes it to the next level. Can’t wait to check out the app. Thank you Aaron.
Hey Aaron, thank you so much for making this article. I can 💯 resonate to this. My parents got divorced when I was 12 years old and I always thought I was the reason. Therefore I kept attracting emotional unavailable boyfriends in my life, trying to “fix” them and show them so much love and hoping they will see my worth. But the truth is no, it never worked out this way.
I have been seeing a therapist on and off for 15 years. I got into a rough spot two years ago and went back and decided to start unpacking my childhood. Much of my childhood I don’t even remember unless it is a flashback. I have struggled to just live now for 37 years of my life, and attempted suicide again a year and three months ago. I am much better than I ever have been. But I resonated with this article for some reason. I do recognize that I need to detach from others and my fawning (people pleasing). But to put in practice I find to be very difficult. So much so, that I find I have to be very deliberate and slow in not only my actions, but also my words, and most importantly my emotions.
Thank you so much for this message Aaron, this is exactly what i needed to hear. I didn’t realise how i am today and the actions i take are to do with the subconscious beliefs from my parents divorce. I really resonated with this so deeply and really felt it in my heart when you kept saying ‘it’s not your fault’. Thank you <3
First of all, thank you for sharing this, It can be hard for so many people to pin point how their abandonment wounds affect their daily life. In one of my therapy sessions I talked about my abandonment issues, and something that really helped me was when my therapist said “Adults cannot be abandoned, see, when you are a kid you depend on your family or others to do certain things for you, but if you had an experience that led to the abandonment wound, you will most likely reflect that in your adult life. Beating codependency tends to be one of the biggest problems to really start working on the abandonment wound, once you realize and work towards that, it becomes a little bit easier to understand that other people’s actions or decisions don’t mean there is something wrong with us, they are their own person, as you are your own person too.” I hope this helps someone wherever they are.
Hi Aaron. I discovered you and your articles just a few short weeks ago. I’ve watched many, but this one hit home! This is a familar story! I am a woman in my early 70s, with abandonment issues. Throughout the years, I’ve been through therapy and did much work on my own. Thank you for addressing this topic. It is a good reminder that it is not the child’s fault. I’m so sorry you and your brother had to endure such a monumental issue! I’m glad to see how much you have educated yourself and are now able to help others.
Just wanted to share my story with you because your article resonated me, and I thank you for that. My life has been an example of everything you mentioned. I’m healing from sexual, physical, and emotional abuse childhood trauma. My father was awful, and my mother blamed me for the abuse, she was also very abusive. BUT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. ABUSE COMES FROM THEIR INABILITY TO MANAGE THEIR OWN EMOTIONS. Stress reducing aggression is simply one way abusers try to manage their emotions. Along with therapy, I also used Reiki to help heal my abandonment wound. My Reiki practitioner did not know about the sexual abuse I went through- but he said he could see a dark line in my aura cutting off my bottom 2 chakras, while my crown chakra was merged with my higher self so strongly, they had only seen an aura like that once before with someone who had a near death experience. I suffered a traumatic head wound and had a near death experience myself when I was very little. Spending time in my body and releasing all the stress caused physical symptoms as well (Nausea, headaches,etc), It was as if my body was purging all of the negative emotions stored in it. My ancestral linage is filled with anxiety, emotional abandonment, violence, substance abuse, all hidden as best they can from other people. They definitely have their own shit going on. I’ve learned since then to see my needs as a blessing, instead of a burden. I’ve managed to meet incredible people in my life. It is their care, time, and presence that have allowed me to get through everything.
I must have been born tough. I can be very sensitive but I dont let it direct my life for very long at all. My mom taught me only you can allow yourself to be hurt by a person, people. It just makes sense. She was always in therapy so i think that was to my benefit. Shed drop a few golden ideas which also served to allow me to gain freedom from her struggles. Her struggles…..sometimes became mine but I always saw them as her struggles and would extricate myself from the mess. Ive never let other people make their problems mine. It irritates me when they try. I just call them on it and dont engage. Im tough. But not totally. It takes me some time to really be sure its negative impact on my well being nd not just a selfishness. I kinda dont like selfish but most all humans are. I think its a natural conditon. Ive also learned ive made very little difference in peoples lives except as a small but constant role model of ….thoughness. Lol
I’m 33 and I’ve been dealing with a fear of abandonment my whole life. Then I finally realized a few days ago that it was due to 4 different people, including my parents, that caused things to happen that made me that way, with the root of it all involving me being sent to live with my grandparents in a third world country when I was 6 years old just out of the blue. But two of those people, an aunt and an uncle, were the major catalysts for my fear. When I was 7, I was living with an uncle in Honduras when I got the chickenpox and was sick for about a week. It was Halloween and his wife and stepson left for the day to attend a soccer match, leaving just me and him alone in his big house. My uncle said he was going to buy cigarettes then meet with a “business associate” and he’d be back in an hour or two. Several hours passed, a scary movie marathon played the whole day and I was freaking out because I would sometimes hear weird noises coming from the back of the house and I could never tell if it was his dogs or something else. Later that night, his wife and stepson came home first and she saw that I was l left alone unsupervised and was angry. She made me dinner and when I went to bed, my uncle arrived and I heard his wife curse him out for about 20 minutes. I came to find out later in life that my uncle was a drug addict long before the incident which made me wonder if he was doing drugs that entire time or not. To this day, I’m unsure. The second event was a short time after my aunt first took me to live in Honduras at the request of my mom when I was 6.
Thanks, Aaron. I have struggled with this my entire life. I’m 58 now. My youngest son was horribly abused and abandoned by his father. He is 26 and homeless. He has severe mental health issues, and I don’t know how to help him. My son looks a lot like you. It is so painful to see him suffer. I had a very hard childhood as well. I am now alone. My son feels alone, too.
I had an alcoholic father, and a disabled mother who became addicted to opioids and died when I was in my early 20s. There had a toxic relationship. My father was physically there but I had no relationship with him, and from an early age I had to fend for myself because my mom just wasn’t able to physically care for me. I was always alone, I was rejected, pushed aside, ignored, or just not given availability. Only when I was useful or exceptional I was worth everyone’s time. I’m trying to unlearn that people pleasing, self- sacrificing behavior. Now that I’m grown, I’m grateful that my father has made an effort to change and be a part of my life and his granddaughter’s.
Thank you for this. I actually can’t watch the article right now because I started tearing up when you said “It has nothing to do with you” It would be a good cry and it’s very healing to hear but I’m sitting at the laundromat right now and I am taking care of myself by not going there in this setting. Much love and blessings for the work you do and sharing this information. I will definitely come back and watch it again with a box of tissues for a cleansing cry. 🤗😁
Such a profound article Aaron, thank you! My father died when I was 15, and my mom wasn’t able to be there for me emotionally. I spent so much of my life as a codependent people pleaser. Your teachings (amongst others, Abraham-Hicks, cognitive behavioral therapy, yoga, writing, being in nature, etc.) has helped me to heal so much!! I now have boundaries, and am more comfortable being my authentic self, regardless of how others may react. Your frame technique has helped as well. To all who read this: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. You are worthy. It gets better. 💔❤️🩹❤️
Arron, this hit home in a big big way. My parents and events at a very young age really twisted my brain. I never felt worthy, although successful at many things, I am someone who sought perfection in everything and would either not follow through or could not find joy in my successes and just looked for the next source of external validation. WOW! The power in the words “It is not your fault” and “You are worthy just being you”. I find framing current events and assigning or not a perception upon them simple, but it took this to article to really drive home the need to rewire by reframing the past. I have attempted to release those events but I need to forgive those involved and alter my perception of them. Not to get too deep, my biological father was an abusive alcoholic. He threatened to kill me to seek revenge on my mother for leaving him, a threat she took seriously. I have known this since, an early age and was trained and taught to be aware of my surroundings and how to protect myself. This amongst other events in my life is the core of my unworthiness and fears of rejection. Of course, I met my biological father at 24 and what I found was a broken man with deep regrets. He was no longer a threat, and even after his death I still have that emotional anchor from 1972. I know now that my inner child must be the one to reframe these events from, “my father does not love me enough to see me live to”, “my mother loved enough to protect me” and none of what occurred was my fault.
Learning to accept that not everything is my fault is something I’m working on. Your grandmas neighbours bestfriends gardeners cousins daughters dog could be injured and I would always find a way to believe it was all my fault. My ex even used to gaslight me to think I was the most evil person to exist because I would stand up to his abuse lol. I’m in a better place but this really helped thank you. Accepting that there’s nothing wrong with me is something I’m eager to adapt to. I’ve come through so much I hope to god I can get rid of this belief that everyone I love either gets hurt or hurts me
This is excellent teaching. Both my parents are only children and they didn’t talk to us one on one. The only time they talked to us was at dinner time. They talked and we listened. I grew up with very low self esteem. My dad was sexually, mentally, emotionally abusive. God healed my soul. My mantra is ” I’m normal”
Yes I agree. It’s not my fault my parents were young and reckless and abandoned me because they had a fling and didn’t want a baby. I survived my vulnerable youth and currently on my way to a thriving life filled with health, stability, and happiness in a holistic way. Theirs and every other adult’s action that alienated and impacted me negatively is not my fault. I deserve the best life which I am going to have!!!!!!
IT’S IS NOT MY FAULT IT’S IS NOT MY FAULT IT’S IS NOT MY FAULT I do ghost at conflict, I tend to be sensitive to criticism and conflict. Before coming to this article, I did recognize some troubling things that I knew came from my childhood and since then I’ve been doing the work at repairing it, I am so happy and grateful for this article, I’m on the road to recovery!
My mom passed away a few years ago, and our relationship suffered after her hysterectomy and when I graduated from college. Every conversation was a fight about how I wasn’t living up to her expectations (Bad job due to 2006 job market, no girlfriend prospects for a number of reasons, low self-confidence in general, etc.) I thought I was improving the relationship when I got into law school, but she developed brain cancer and died my second year right around my finals. I tried and failed for a number of reasons, but overall hated everything and everyone for how my good intentions didn’t matter and I was forced into this place in life. It’s been a struggle to accept that it wasn’t my fault, but I will continue to struggle until it isn’t a struggle
I cannot breathe through the grief. Today is day 54. 54 days without hearing from him. Nothing. Not a word. He betrayed and abandoned me and replaced me with another. Discarded me like last week’s garbage. He was my “best friend”. We spoke every day. My heart is in so much pain, it physically hurts. My soul is raped. I cannot breathe. I am drowning. Being buried alive. How could he do this to me? And why?
Thank you so much. This is an excellent talk. I always knew with my intellectual mind that the fact that my parents left me alone to look after a very ill younger sister was not my fault. To understand it emotionally, with my entire being, I needed someone external to tell me and to tell me again and again. In addition to the fact that what happened had nothing to do with me. It was simply a very very bad situation. I am really really grateful. Your wisdom is so simple and so true and so transforming.
Thank you so much! I’m a coach and writer and Ive done a lot of trauma and healing work myself and I often write and tell my clients that it’s not their fault, knowing that’s what has helped me. And today I really needed to be reminded of this as I’m moving through current relationship dynamics “It’s not my fault” – this article is so supportive ❤ thank you so much!
I am SO grateful to have discovered this article. I needed this message more than i can express. I have been plagued with feeling that i need to convince people of why i feel the way i feel and i havent even trusted my own feelings It all makes sense now. Thank you SO much for the wisdom you are sharing to help us in our healing journies
OMG! This was Fabulous and Spot on for me! Thank you so much!! 😊✨💖🙏 i’ve been on a healing journey for a few years now, and trying to dig down to the core root of my problems. It’s amazing how influential our childhood environment and conditioning can be for the whole rest of our lives. Time to break the cycle! Thanks again! 😊 Will download your app.
I’ve just been listning to a few youtube vids on this subject and this one’s the only one from the child’s point of view/impact… yay! I’ve always struggled with the “it’s not your fault” thing. I didn’t feel it was. It was more “I’m not important”. To me anyway, when my parent’s split. They were so far into their own emotions, I was used and ignored. At 44, I’m still dealing with it
I’ve been crying all morning, in bed. I’m 42 years old, in bed, crying out for my dad. My dad is still alive but he’s never really been there for me. His anger and rage was always there, expected. All I wanted was for him to open his arms to me so I could run into them and find shelter from Life’s storms. But HE was he storm in my life as a kid. How could I run into a storm for comfort?!?!
Both of my parents died by the time I was 20, my first long time relationship of ten years ceased and my current relationship is almost over. When my first long time, romantic relationship was ready to leave, instead of telling me the truth, he just picked on me and told me that I was doing everything wrong. When my current relationship, he does not want to commit. Instead of telling me that, all he said was that I am not financially and career-wise were I’m supposed to be as a woman at my age and my late 40s. To add insult to injury, everyone that I considered a friend in my life, doesn’t feel the same way about me. Also, I helped raise countless kids that weren’t even mine over the years as a result, now it may be too late for me to start a family in my own because I thought I was content with these idiots. NEVER AGAIN!
My mother was an alcoholic. My father showed up at my school when I was in grade six; pulled up in his olive-green Plymouth Valiant with his 3rd wife next to him. I hadn’t seen him since before I was three years old. I recognized him when he said, “I’m your father, get in the car.” Fast-forward to when I was 15 years old, my father sat me down in the living room and told me his wife didn’t like me and that I had to leave. I walked to the door, put my shoes on, and left without any of my personal belongings. That was 44 years ago. This was one of many deep wounds I endured. A coworker threatened me, then told another one of my coworkers that I need to learn to stand up for myself, and then spent several months verbally torturing me on a daily basis. I just want to live my life in peace. I really needed this today. Thank you. 💐 10:07
We will do anything for approval. I really want heal now. God help me I don’t want to have anxious attachment anymore. I felt very alone even though my mom was there but she didn’t have emotional regulation. I felt so much anxiety trying to be good. ” It’s not your fault” . My dad was not there: It is not my fault. Yup trying to heal through my marriage and my husband. I really hope my husband can heal his childhood wounds. I hope I can heal my childhood wounds. I have been abandoning myself. I declare I will heal and transform.
Hi Aaron, Your article is great. I am finding it helpful. One thing you said that is difficult for me to relate to is the idea of detaching from the internal shame. Maybe I am being too literal but I witnessed my parents become emotionally distant towards my older sibling who chose not to practice the religion my devout parents did everything to instill in us. I had an intense fear of my parents responding the same way but I knew continuing to practice the religion was at odds with so much of myself as a person. When I moved away at 18, and it became clear I was no longer worshiping, my parents became emotionally distant. All that is to say, I don’t know how to truly let go of shame, because in my head I chose to walk away from the religion. And with my parents, they don’t see it as me choosing a different mindset. They see my actions to leave the faith is equal to abandoning them for eternity. How can I move past the shame/guilt I’ve internalized?
Hi Aaron…..this was something i was looking for to listen to….today my gf and i broke up after not that long of a relationship, early on i could tell there was something wrong in her life….but me, being a fixer type of person, i wanted to introduce to her a positive un-toxic life…thinking she would like that and want to slowly change….i stayed in it just to see if things would, but observing along the way, i could see they were just a pattern of hers…i’m sad that things ended this way…and that its now just another educating experience for me. The thing that stuck out in your episode today that my ears perked up to was “Stop abandoning yourself for the trauma you had as a child”……that got my attention, i can say thats true for me as i feel like i shut down inside a few decades ago from growing up in a house without i call it “interest from the adults around me”, i’ve been truckin’ through life mostly alone with a handful of failed relationships and often wondered why….maybe i’ll never know…but what i do know is I want things to change and don’t want to settle for suicide….there’s some things i want to do still with the remainder of my life.
It was my fault to a degree. I remember when I was in the womb that they didn’t want me then. I was an oops and my mom’s mother forced them to marry. (This was back in the 60’s) They did marry and had two more children and by the time I was 6 I was physically and verbally abused by my father. (Until the age of 17 when I moved out) And yes to this day I have resentment against my mom as to why she didn’t protect us. I become the protector of my siblings and mom. Still working through this abandonment issue. Thanks for posting.
How ironic this article is for me… it popped up on my feed a couple weeks ago. And today I decided to watch it. Only to have it paused bc my dad wanted to talk to me. Turns out my mum’s kicking him out, and I dont like the way he’s talking about it. Almost as if he’ll do the unthinkable. I’m very worried about him right now. And my mum’s immature behaviour is not helping.
Thank God for this. I’ve felt worthless my entire life of 75yrs and have allowed people to abuse my good nature and bully me. I went from a fermented bully of a mother, to a bullying, controlling husband. I’ve even allowed 2 of my children to emotionally abuse me. Only last week i broke away from my narcissistic daughter. I’m definitely a people pleaser (no freaking more!). Bright up a Catholic didn’t help with the inborn guilt complex. My husband had many issues. Through my own knowledge i helped him grow and prosper, expecting it to be reciprocated. He tested me like shit. *People pleasers evolve from a strong desire to help people avoid the pain we carry ourselves.
You mention shadow integration. I’ve been working with the idea of the shadow as laid out in Phll Stutz and Barry Michels’ book ‘The Tools.’ The idea is to recognise the self-identity you consider totally taboo, the one you are completely rejecting, then visualise it and speak to it. In the context of abandonment and the way it makes me feel about potential relationships now – terrified – it’s a figure of such unconsolable agony and desperation that I’d felt unable to deal with it previously.The kind of thing that makes you go, ‘Well, maybe things’ll just work themselves out” – which is really just an expression of disguised despair. What I’ve found is, you have to really listen to the Shadow without assuming you know what it wants to say. In my case, this has allowed it to really surprise me with its strength, insight and passion, and I’ve discovered I actually feel a lot of love and respect for it. This is something very like what can happen if you find the right way to speak to a so-called problem child (Ross Green’s boo, ‘The Explosive Child’ has an excellent protocol for this). What I find with my Shadow is that he’s much stronger and much more single-minded than I could ever have imagined. In other words, he already knows how to carve out that place of self-respect you’re describing and that I am otherwise sabotaging. All this in mind, perusal your article, I imagined some primary incidences of abandonment and rejection and checked to get my Shadow’s view. He was uncompromisingly aggressive in the face of my father losing his shit with me when I was three: ‘Fuck this guy.
Waking up this morning it came clear to me that a lot of what I’m dealing with is feelings of abandonment and unworthiness stemming from childhood trauma and death of a sibling. It’s something that has haunted me for so long, and I’ve tried many ways to get around it, let go of it vibrate through it or over it be on a higher plane, etc. etc. but it became very clear to me that the issue is abandonment I was listening to a meditation article and it really wasn’t speaking to me at all, so I searched for something else and your article was the first to pop up. Your words really resonated with me. It is very hard to let go of those feelings of shame and abandonment from childhood logically I know it wasn’t my fault, but so many things about my relationship with my remaining family members keeps those feeling active in me. I work on letting go but as I deal with their rejection daily those feeling still creep up to the surface from time to time and keep me from sleeping or wake me in nightmares. I know it wasn’t my fault. And I know I’m worthy of acceptance and love . I know there’s a better way to interpret those events and I’m getting there. Your article reinforced and resonated with me. Thank you for helping me identify and name the wound so that I can treat it.
Thanks for the article! I am working with abandonment wound for years now. I have understood mentally the logistics of my trauma (the meaning), and have worked with my negative emotions (shame, helplessness, anger) and limiting beliefs (no one is there for me, everybody is leaving me eventually, i am not good enough for the real thing) around it, yet somatically I still feel that disconnect from truly belonging anywhere. I don’t know how to put it into words. On one side it feels like a blind spot, like missing important life skills or configured / distorted world view that are hard to acquire or even out as an adult. On the other hand it feels like ever present coldness or distance or numbness underneath no matter how much progress is being made or how much someone tries to love you and ve there for you. Everything externally is fine, or almost fine, as we still get rejected in private and personal world from time to time and we learn not to take it personally, yet there are still something that we process differently or just don’t have access to it internally because it was never there in the first place. I thought a lot about these topics when I became mother and witnessed my son experiencing life and relating to people etc. It taught me how important physical touch / presence is, as well as positive reinforcement. Things I never received. Things I needed to thrive. So I am still in a deficit no matter how much I try to supply myself or reparent my inner child. I wonder if it will ever just feel different to be in my skin.
I just had a 2 hour crying episode because my only friend has a new friend 😢 Iam always afraid that anyone new who comes to my loved ones lives will take my place because I always had to compete for my moms attention with different men she brought home 😢one incident I cried and told her I feel like she doesn’t love me when her bf is around she called him and made me repeat that and they made fun of me while I cried and then I got a hiding for crying 😢 But you are right all of that is NOT MY FAULT!! This is really helpful,the triggers are bad these days 😢
Coming from a very poor southern family. My dad left when I was a child, abusive drug addict step father left at 11, always felt like I needed to go out of my way to make people happy and like me. A feeling of “not being good enough.” middle school I used to sell my few article games and toys for bus fare and flowers for girls that would break up with me and call me Clingy (totally deserved it). Stretched myself beyond thin lived on the other side of the world chasing love, got my heart crushed. Spent 6 years with a woman who was horribly depressed and broken that I tried so hard to be in love with through abuse and horrible name calling. It hurts to this day knowing how much I hurt her by wasting her time and broke her heart. I work as a nurse now, put myself through college and always bend over backwards for my residents so much that I miss meals, breaks, sleeping, etc Still people pleasing and giving them everything and they don’t even know (some can tell). I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a woman I knew I couldn’t be with but totally sold myself on the idea she was the one. Stretched myself so thin, lost sight of myself, my goals, my worth. I’m at rock bottom.. but I’m finally in a place where I realize I have to stop that voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough and that I’m broken at any cost, that is my main focus in life now, that is my goal. Edit: Thank you so much for this Sir, you are doing such a service for people like me.
This is the exact article I needed to wake up and see today. My mom has been a drug addict my whole life and my dad chose to work on the road and never be home so he didn’t have to deal with it. My mom was extremely neglectful to me because I was an extremely sensitive child who wanted love and affection and it burdened her. I also chose to step out of the family cycle and I have been different since I was a small child. I KNEW in my heart that something wasn’t right, even when I was too young to understand it. My mom always seen me as the bad child, the child my father loved the most, the spoiled child, because the family preferred to hangout with me. My sister’s followed in my mom’s footsteps and became drug addicts themselves, along with being in and out of the juvenile system, then later on in and out of jail. I blamed myself my whole life for being different and wishing I would have chose the same route as them so my mom would love me. I told myself if I would have chose to do drugs, too, that maybe she would have talked to me, hugged me, kissed me. But I was wrong, I was way wrong. And I realized through therapy that my mom had her own issues that har nothing to do with me. I suffer greatly from a fear of abandonment that I am trying to get rid of and this article helped me so much. Thank you for this.
just now i lashed out because a family member was telling me a painful story. I feel like I’ve been a vessel holding on to all their pain my whole life. Idky. I asked her to share this story with someone else in the family because I am so overwhelmed. She was so upset and now is ignoring me. I wish I could get away.
I have been trying to reframe this for years and it’s not working. I only understand it, it doesn’t feel any different at all. My parents did not want me and told me as much and showed me my whole life and I realized when I became a parent that it’s not my fault I was born, I owe them nothing but I have never stopped attracting people like my parents, I just don’t go for them when I see it, but I have never attracted anything different. I am always with myself, meditate daily etc. And it has never changed at all. Just won’t budge
Yup, this is exactly it. My parents from the very beginning didn’t get together out of love for each other. It all made sense when my mom told me how they got together. It helped me to understand and heal from my past wounds. My mom also told me it’s very common in her family to marry someone without love. Perhaps that’s what she internalized from a young age, and this probably would’ve happened to me if I hadn’t known.
I probably have this problem to some extent. Because I was neglected as a baby, up until I was put into foster care and adopted back into my family. My birth mom wasn’t raised to know how to take care of a family, and my birth father was always like a 9-10 year old in a grown man’s body. I found out about it when I was around 11. And one of my cousins has abandonment issues. His dad was a narcissist, and his dad tore down every measure of self worth that my cousin had. So now, all the words his dad said to him have became his own words. What I mean by that is that he says the same things about himself that he heard his dad say to him.
After starting my final years in middle school, I’ve take notice of how many problems I have with insecurity, fear and so many other things. I’ve experienced a sort of “isolation” as I felt I couldn’t belong to my school and couldn’t make connections with people there. And really, I’ve passed through lots and lots of shit (some caused by the others, others caused by me) I started to open up my self a bit, and let go some of it. However, now I recognize that the shit I have passed had created a sort of trauma. This trauma now makes me afraid of losing people, so I became a little clingy to them. When they don’t send me a message, I become sad. When they are with others friends, I feel they are letting myself to side, that they do not notice my worthy. When they text me, I instantly feel that I need to text them, and even if I am occupied, I feel that I NEED to stay there, otherwise, they I will upset them. It hurts like hell, really. I hate to see that I am drowing again in my fears and how I had let people hurt me… I just want to escape it. I am totally willing to change, I just do not how to do it