The hero, a perfect and right-eyed individual, is often the hero of a dysfunctional family system. This person is often over-achiever and receives a high amount of praise. The golden child, the one who can do no wrong, is often overlooked in adulthood. The Hero Child, Lost Child, Scapegoat, and Mascot all play unique roles within the family system, shaping the dynamics and interactions among family members.
The Family Role Behavior Inventory identified four core roles or behavioral patterns of children from such dysfunctional family systems: hero, lost child, mascot, caretaker/enabler, and golden child. The six most commonly agreed upon roles are Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot, Caretaker/Enabler, and Golden Child.
The Scapegoat, also known as the “black sheep” of the family, is the opposite of the Hero role and is seen as the problem of the family. They come in many different flavors, but two common ones are:
- The golden child, hero, or saint
- The scapegoat or black sheep
- The parentified child
- The mascot
These roles are often found in the same family system. The hero is perfect, the mascot is funny, and the scapegoat takes the blame. The lost child may grapple with a lack of self-esteem and assertiveness, while the Scapegoat may internalize negative labels and engage in self-destructive behavior.
In a family with a hero, both the hero and the scapegoat may be present. Scapegoating, derived from the verb “to”, is the one who gets blamed for everything to distract attention away from other issues within the family.
📹 DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES | HERO? SCAPEGOAT? MASCOT? LOST CHILD
Family is something that we all have…some good and some not so much! When you are dealing with a dysfunctional family as a …
What is scapegoating in Bowen’s theory?
Scapegoating is a sociopsychological phenomenon where a person or group is blamed for problems they did not instigate, a defensive mechanism that diverts attention from the actual causes of their problems. This pattern has been present in historical periods of crisis, conflict, or societal tension, with groups like Jews often being blamed for societal ills. The most tragic manifestation was during the Holocaust when Nazi propaganda scapegoated Jews for Germany’s post-WWII economic hardships and societal unrest.
In modern times, echoes of this historical pattern are evident in the criticism of Israel’s policies towards Palestinians, particularly in the Gaza Strip. Critics of these policies have crossed the line between legitimate criticism and anti-Semitic rhetoric, blaming Jews as a collective for the actions of the Israeli government.
What is the difference between the Scapegoat and The Lost Child?
Family roles significantly influence an individual’s sense of self and identity. The Hero Child may struggle to separate self-worth from achievements, leading to feelings of inadequacy. The Lost Child may struggle with self-esteem and assertiveness, while the Scapegoat may internalize negative labels and engage in self-destructive behavior. The Mascot may struggle to express authentic emotions and may rely on humor to cope with emotional turmoil.
Family roles also influence adult relationship patterns. The Hero Child may seek perfection and validation in romantic relationships, while the Lost Child struggles with assertiveness and vulnerability. The Scapegoat may struggle with anger and blame management, and the Mascot may struggle to engage in authentic connections.
Family roles also shape coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with stress and conflict. The Hero Child may resort to overachievement and workaholism, the Lost Child may withdraw and avoid conflicts, and the Scapegoat may continue to engage in self-destructive behaviors.
What is the mascot of the family systems theory?
The Family Mascot, also known as the clown, uses humor to entertain and make others feel better, but not to repair damage. As they grow up, they become involved with others in need of help and try to overcome guilt and low self-worth by pleasing people. By learning and exploring family roles through family systems theory, individuals can learn to change roles and have a healthier family system. Therapy can help uncover patterns and improve relationships within the family, and using a foundation of family systems theory can help therapists teach individuals about relational patterns.
Teletherapy is an ideal modality for family therapy, especially when family members are in different locations. TheraPlatform offers telehealth and practice management services for providers looking to expand their practice beyond geographic locations.
What is the Bowen family systems theory?
Bowen family systems theory is a psychological theory that views families as emotional units with complex interactions. Family members are deeply connected emotionally, often feeling distant or disconnected from their families. They seek attention, approval, and support, reacting to each other’s needs, expectations, and upsets. This interdependence makes family functioning interdependent, with changes in one person’s functioning being reciprocal in others.
Emotional interdependence evolved to promote cohesiveness and cooperation within families. However, increased tension can intensify these processes, leading to problems. Anxiety can escalate among family members, making the emotional connectedness more stressful than comforting. Eventually, some members feel overwhelmed, isolated, or out of control. The most accommodating members absorb the system’s anxiety, making them vulnerable to problems such as depression, alcoholism, affairs, or physical illness.
Dr. Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist, originated this theory and its eight interlocking concepts using systems thinking to integrate knowledge of human evolution with family research. The core assumption is that an emotional system that evolved over several billion years governs human relationship systems. People have a “thinking brain”, language, complex psychology, and culture, but they still perform ordinary tasks.
The emotional system affects most human activity and is the principal driving force in the development of clinical problems. Understanding how the emotional system operates in family, work, and social systems offers new, more effective solutions for solving problems in various areas.
What is the psychology behind mascots?
Mascots are effective marketing tools due to their ability to emotionally connect with audiences, serve as memory anchors, and build trust. They are not just tools, but also integral in forming emotional bonds, enhancing brand recall, and fostering long-term loyalty. Their psychological impact goes beyond mere entertainment, highlighting their role in building and sustaining brand relationships with audiences.
What is the lost boy theory?
The Peter Pan theory suggests that Hook, a former Lost Boy, escapes Peter’s clutches and fights against him. The theory suggests that Peter Pan’s tendency to murder his friends as they age serves as the basis for the bad blood between Hook and himself. The pirate’s crew is made up of other former Lost Boys who help Hook resist Pan’s magic. Although this theory may seem ludicrous, it adds a dark layer of context to Disney’s Peter Pan, which doesn’t entirely mesh with the House of Mouse’s family-friendly image.
However, it remains plausible, meaning that Peter Pan could potentially be the story’s true villain. Disney capitalized on the idea of Peter Pan being a villain in the 2022 movie Chip ‘n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers, positioning him as a disgruntled thirty-something who can’t let go of the cartoons with which he grew up. In the film, an aged, balding, ex-child-star take on Peter Pan (under the alias “Sweet Pete”) turns out to be the bad guy in charge of a “bootlegging” ring that kidnaps and rips off existing IPs. This shows Disney’s willingness to laugh at the darker side of their history and took every opportunity to do so during Rescue Rangers.
What is the scapegoat theory?
Scapegoat theory is a social psychology concept that suggests individuals or groups may blame external factors or other groups for their own problems, often leading to prejudice. This theory is based on the idea that in-group favoritism can result in out-group discrimination, and competition for resources can also lead to scapegoating. Research by Henri Tajfel supports this theory by demonstrating that in-group favoritism can lead to out-group discrimination. Studies on intergroup conflict, such as Realistic Conflict Theory, also support this theory.
What is the lost child theory?
Lost children are individuals who spend a significant amount of time hiding from others, often due to neglect or abuse. They often feel trapped and unable to escape, leading them to remain quiet and unnoticed. These children, typically third-borns, often develop a belief in their power and power to blame themselves for their families’ troubles. They feel they have too much to want and feel unworthy in the world, leading them to learn to be quiet and unassuming early in life.
What is the mascot child syndrome?
The mascot is a role often taken on by the youngest child in a family, who learns to use laughter to reduce tension and ease stress. They seek to be the center of attention by being funny and acting silly, trying to cover up the family’s pain. Despite their light-hearted exterior, mascots feel powerless and confused about their family’s situation. They tend to be restless and constantly in motion, becoming anxious or depressed when there isn’t enough to distract themselves and others. This leads to difficulty focusing and often fails to develop strong decision-making skills.
The class clown act provides temporary relief to family suffering but lacks real solutions or healing. Mascots are often lonely, confused, and insecure, filled with fear, sadness, and pain. They avoid identifying their own emotions and don’t develop the skills to work through their feelings. Instead, they crack jokes, leaving deeper underlying issues unresolved. This strategy results in people rarely taking mascots seriously or viewing them as competent. Despite being kind and good-hearted, mascots are held back by a pervasive need to escape pain by escaping into a childlike world.
What is the Scapegoat family systems theory?
In contemporary families where dysfunctional dynamics are prevalent, scapegoating is a common phenomenon whereby one individual is held responsible for the collective problems of the family unit, rather than being held accountable for their own actions. This collective attribution of blame enables the family unit to perpetuate its dysfunctional patterns without undertaking the necessary changes.
What is a mascot in a narcissistic family?
The mascot, frequently designated as “the cute one,” experiences a sense of impotence within the context of familial dynamics. In an effort to intervene in disagreeable circumstances, it assumes the role of a court jester, employing humor as a means of mitigating tension and conflict.
📹 Dysfunctional Family Roles
Do you know the roles of a dysfunctional family? Knowing these roles may help you identify which ones you have taken on and …
This sums up my family. I’m the lost child but have also been the scapegoat at times. My oldest sister has always been the golden child. The favoritism is so blatant that its sickening. My brother is the middle child and the scapegoat. He was always getting into trouble and very angry. To outsiders, we seem like a nice family but there are many people who have no idea what went on in our home. It’s sad because as adults, my siblings and I barely have relationships with each other. We’re very disconnected. It’s sad.
I was the lost child. Two parents that wasn’t ready to have a child which was/am me. The punching bag of my mother and father. Both were abusive. Both were verbally abusive. I was never seen as the perfect golden child but rather the black sheep, the child that cried so much that I do not smile, I do not laugh, my sense of humor is dull, my voice is monotone. I can’t comprehend emotion. I’m the eldest of three siblings and I talk to nobody. I’ve made the initiative, but they never tried. So, that is okay with me. Father was married always mad and I would be the guy that deals with the physical abuse from his stress of bad marriage and school was lacking. Zoom forward I’ve became a culinary perfectionist which is toxic to the extreme and draining. But I’ve understood later in my late 20’s like last year that I need to live for myself and get to know who I, Aaliyas, is as a person/man/human being ect. So i, go to therapy weekly for childhood ptsd and combat ptsd with depression to understand these things and understand that I am not some freak of nature. Which by Allah I, got lucky to have a wonderful therapist who listens with intent, he doesn’t talk to me about emotion because I cannot comprehend that… And I’m getting better day by day
I was the hero but also the scapegoat at some point. I actually like to distinguish between being the hero and the golden child. The hero is left to think they should always get good grades and achieve things, while the golden child tends to have the same interests as the parents and is valued even more than the other kids.
I think I’m the scapegoat and lost child. My mom has this habit of triangulating, making painful comparisons and shaming me constantly. She’s controlling and says the most hurtful unempathetic things, that I’ve had to deal with episodes of depression in the past. I’m 21 now leaving home soon and never looking back.
Guess I am the lost child. My 3 sisters are much older then me. The way I describe my family is there are me and my parents and then there are my parents and my sisters. Wherever my sisters are I am no where to be found. I’m usually in another room. I consider myself lucky if one of my sisters acknowledges my presence and I almost 47 years old. Now that my parents are having health issues I am not included in family decisions about my parents healthcare. Right now my dad’s in the hospital and my 3 sisters are taking turns being with my mom. Not one time have any of them asked if I would like to help. This is how it’s been my whole life. I’m grieving and I hurt for my parents because I know they tried their best but my relationship with my sisters never existed and never will. That’s the hardest part is when you know it will never be. How many years can you keep hearing family come up with excuses why they can’t be in your life?
In my family I am both the Hero and the Lost child as I have been so isolated from my peers and friends since middle school, pushed to have the best grades, while my brother has been the scapegoat and has been using his role to try to be the Hero role and I feel bad for him but he has been unwilling to change small things about himself to leave the role of being the scapegoat
for me, I’m definitely the lost child, I’m the youngest in my family and I just deal with everything by myself, my sister Is the middle child and she’s “the hero” of the family, she gets all of the attention, whatever she wants, my parents praise her, while I am ignored, left alone, my parents just let me be, leaves me alone at the house, all they care about are my grades, I don’t get good ones, I’m forced to study until I get everything right, I hide my feelings and just act normal, I only eat a little bit and I dont sleep, I can’t handle the pain anymore and it hurts a lot
these are classic roles in Alcoholism(active) in a family..how many over now over 50 yearsold and looking back see their lives have been stolen ……………. have been put into hero and scapegoat … if through no fault of your own can;t perform and be perfect anymore example would be got divorced or widow lost your career they bragged on…………..then became path of least resistance (no more bodyguard or>>> witness) and became scapegoat ……it is so painful . will divide your family and hurt multiiple generations of innocent lives and ones who do not deserve loss of god give loving relationships for them…..do not believe trashy stories about your family or a member from a distant or 1 relative only ….ask them directly. praying you won’t
You said I can request longer articles and I’ve been racking my brain trying to find new topics you haven’t talked about but honestly I would like more/longer articles on some of the topic you’ve already talked about with a different perspective. Here are some of the topic I would love to see talked about maybe with guess host to give a different perspective? List: BPD and how it effects life, work etc. Anger Issues : how to not react verbally or physically. Loneliness: something tangible to do to get you pass the loneliness so it doesn’t result in a full blown panic attacks. Self harm: how to combat self harm when your thinking about it even when you’re happy? Depression: how to talk to people when they think you’re strong but you’re dying slowly inside (dramatic I know lol) Body dysmorphia: how to take a step back and see your body in a different light? Personality disorder: how to create an healthy relationship with someone who has a personality disorder when you also do? Also how all this ties into to the black communities. I’ll stop there for now lol. Thank you!
I would say I’m a hero and a scapegoat. I don’t cause as many problems in my family cause I’m silent and I barely do or need anything. But when I get praised for like passing a test or good grades that makes me feel like ‘If I mess up my good reputation now, I can make my family’s reputation worse than it already is.’ My family is known for having smart people and good people in it so I feel like one mistake of our family would go into shame. I wouldn’t say I’m the ‘Golden Child’ that’s my younger brother. My mother does reprimand me as much as she does with my older sister and brother, but I do stick up for them when my mother is wrong.
I use to be the hero until I gave up after years of not getting attention I deserved So now I’m a lost child, I’ve always been a lost child but I use to get all the achievements to get attention but it didn’t last for long, it was a fake persona, I’ve always tried to do most things on my own so when my mum and sister found out I was selfharming from childhood trauma they only saw it as a phase cos at the end of the day I don’t open up so when I do something not right it’s seen as me changing or hormones not something that was already theory or not my fault
Describes me and my siblings to a T. I’m definitely the hero child in my family. I’m the oldest too. What’s funny is my three younger siblings in the other roles too. The second oldest, my brother is the lost child. My sister who is the third child, does try to defuse things and make peace at awkward times at family stuff and my youngest sister, the fourth child is the scapegoat cause we always blame her.
I think I’m the scapegoat but maybe also the mascot? Idk. I wouldn’t say my family is dysfunctional but sometimes I feel like my family targets and shames me for stuff that isn’t my fault and I am always trying to be anything but serious so I don’t have to think about serious stuff cuz serious stuff sucks
My middle sister was a scape goat but she was always happy smiling and upbeat but my mom blamed her everything and demonized her all of the time…. My baby baby sister is the golden child… I was the lost child and I am the oldest…. My mom pretty much ignored me her attention was mostly on my middle sister and my baby sister
Damn all 3. Mostly scapegoat. Im 44 going on mur…… Nothing works. The middle is the golden child. The oldest.. I dont know. I’ll call him the lost want to be hero. I dont know which I hate the most. My mother trumps my father by 10. Only thing with my siblings is that I can fire on them., but I hate them just as much.
💥🎥The Trophy Child’s Struggle-Mission Impossible on repeat 🔁 💡Harsh reality:💢 Being utilized specifically as an emotional punching bag ⚠️Lies that are told: “You need to think about others” “Honor your mother and father” “Sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do in life” 📖Translation:👊💥🤕 You might be being used as an emotional punching bag, and occasionally you might get hit with the 1,2,3 combo but you have to be strong! Every now and then you might get an uppercut, a liver shot and even an unexpected overhand, but that’s what being a man/woman is about! You need to think about someone other than yourself sometimes, and quit being selfish‼️ 😮……..🤔💭…….💢🤨 Excuse me❓
If u have a family that is all about the pride of work, and surviving where you are in the mix of too much shouting….. likely a shout match to preach for expressing a point. I’d say the family should learn to talk with each other instead of speaking through unecessary shouts for a way of discussion. _BLACK FAMILIES have this badly. I Hope I don’t sound too personal or offensive, but for black families there needs to be a way of talking to each other without preaching a shout match.
I was the “scapegoat — invisible child,” was in my thirties when I confronted both parents, together, that I’m going to therapy to try and understand why I’m F’d up; and was asked, in a huffing manner, by my mom, “why is it just you?” I stated that “it’s not just me, but at that time, “I’m the only one who’s chosen to do something about it.”
I never envied The Golden child or golden children because I understand that that could probably be hotter than the scapegoat in some ways because they constantly feel like they are human doing rather than a human being and they understand that the love they receive is conditional so they feel like they have to do more and more.
I think there’s a lot of “criss-crossing” and overlapping of these roles, too, especially as children grow up, and as their parents and their siblings, and as then their own parents all grow older. It can get more and more complicated as each person sort of gets jockeyed around, and is jockeying themselves, for a “better”, less emotionally painful, and potentially more “powerful” (either self-autonomous or destructive) position within the family dynamic. That’s when I’ve seen things get way outta control quickly. I’ve seen a “hero”/”scapegoat” combo. What happened was when the hero made a life mistake, it shattered the entire faux and unrealistic “perfect familial image”. There was all of this shaming/blaming aanndd—out popped the “scapegoat”. This new character in the family farce had actually been “nurtured” to be that scapegoat all along. It had been a kind of total psychological covert operation and set-up. Fortunately, she did see through it eventually, but not before she took a lot of damage…😢 I’ve seen the “hero/lost child” combo, too. That person was so constantly emotionally suppressed and made to mirror her narcissistic mother that she eventually grew up to become a quietly resentful and contemptuous “enabler” type, with a strange, slightly self-righteous moral streak. The whole thing was just tragic, TBH. 😢
00:00 🏠 Returning home can trigger old family roles, affecting behavior and causing frustration. 01:05 🔄 Dysfunctional families have rigid roles affecting who you are, your behavior, and life achievements. 02:14 🤝 Families are systems; changing an individual can disrupt the balance, causing resistance. 04:44 🌟 The Hero Child strives for success to maintain the family’s appearance but may struggle with self-worth. 06:34 🎯 The Scapegoat takes blame for everything, leading to self-destructive behaviors but may develop resilience. 08:41 🤡 The Mascot uses humor to diffuse tension but risks avoiding difficult emotions and self-limiting relationships. 09:46 🚶 The Lost Child withdraws from conflict, becoming introverted and may struggle with safety and voice. 10:57 🔁 Any family role can recreate patterns in their own families or friend groups. 11:39 🔄 Rigid roles hinder authentic living, preventing acceptance of all aspects of oneself. 12:06 🛣 The “Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence” program helps transform negative beliefs for a more joyful and authentic life.
I just learned about you, exploring Youtube and things Ive learned in ACA. And when you brought up The Lost Child, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I broke. Not ashamed to say that. I. BROKE. I felt like I finally discovered a big part of myself. It made complete sense to me. I’ve struggled through my teen years and majority of my young adult life. I became a deep active using Alcoholic and Addict for 15 years. Almost 3 years ago, I met my best friend and now boyfriend and opened up to him. Letting go of my deep dark and hurting secrets I’ve kept in the dark, Of childhood experiences I endured that followed me from Foster Care to going home and repeating in my teen years. The silence I was engulfed in. Today, I am working on finding the WHOLE me, and I am 705 days clean.
Wow thanks for sharing this information. I was 1000% the scapegoat in my family. Funny thing is I was the complete opposite of the bad kid I was treated like. I’ve always thought it was insane the things I was blamed for even to this day. My 3 siblings would actually misbehave but were allowed more freedom and played along with the family games that I called out. I could have told on my siblings for so many things but I never saw the point. I’m now trying to improve my through the roof anxiety levels and lack of self worth. I always thought I was just a nice person but I’ve always been people pleasing without realizing it. I wish I could have a child to break the cycle with but for now I can at least love and care for my pets to the fullest. Luckily now, after moving out at 19 and ending up in an abusive relationship, I’m currently 8 years into the best relationship with a storybook, perfect guy. I didn’t know this kind of love existed.
I don’t know that my family had rigid roles, but some of this resonated. My brother and I were/are both high achieving in different ways, but I think he felt more pressure to be the “good” or hero child. I’m the oldest and felt the “gets blamed for everything” resonate because it didn’t matter what I did, if something went wrong I got the blame. In response, I developed more of the joking/clowning and avoided processing emotions. My brother was the perfect younger child who could do no wrong, and in conflict situations he checks out like the lost child. He moved across the country to get away from the family. Both parents are dysfunctional in different ways, so that might have contributed. Mom is emotionally abusive and narcissistic (my brother was her favorite source but I’m her projection-child/mini-me that she is trying to control the life of). Dad was physically abusive and otherwise absent, and we haven’t had contact since childhood. I don’t think my brother remembers much of him, as he was 7ish and I was the one most often punished. I can’t actually remember him getting beaten by our parents. I garnered nearly all of the punishments… my parents were still blaming me for stuff after I moved out. I know because they told me a year or more after “you know, your brother actually misbehaves too?” Like they were fully surprised. I’m glad my mom at least believed in therapy, which was first for the divorce and then for trying to undo what she was doing. She got kicked out of therapy but my brother and I still went.
I was the abandoned child. Very helpful. I am new to this. I do not expect a short article to cover everything, but thinking about it, I was not assigned any of these roles as a child. Rather, because of alcoholism in the family, I was abandoned by the parents. My twin sister was forced into a role of “emotional incest” with my dad. Growing up I was always jealous of the attention he gave her. As adults I realize that that attention from Dad hurt my sister. I was probably better off just learning to cope for myself.
Is it possible to be a couple of these traits at the same time? I was the golden child until I wasn’t and then I became the scapegoat. As long as i was performing to my covert narc mother’s standards, looking the way she wanted me look, I was golden. My sibling would agree. Once I stopped being the child that my mother was vicariously living through there was a 180° shift and I was the scapegoat. I could do nothing right, I was the reason for my mother’s anger, frustration, and depression. My sibling, on the other hand was the mascot. I know he took on that role as a protection. He was making himself invisible to the criticism of our mother by always being the easy going kid, the one the never caused a problem. The problem with that was that he, internally, was the list child. Once we both hit 18, we moved states away from our mother. I later moved back and as an adult became my mother’s “whipping post”. My brother never came back, and in fact moved as far away without actually leaving leaving the country. Both my sibling and I married controlling, image obsessed people. My brother got out of that marriage and remarried someone who sees that lost child and allows him to shine without having to be a mascot. I married a narcissist, just like my mother and am struggling to get out. Now that I’ve seen my spouse and my mother for who they really are, it explains so much. It’s taken so much therapy but I’m climbing out of that hole.
Yep, I do not fall back into the role myself so much as they treat me like I am still a child. I have gone no contact with family because I am tired of being treated disrespectfully. My mother even said to me when I was a small child; “why can’t you be like your brother?” My brother was the golden child and was rude and mean, to this day he acts like this. He raged at me one time when I told him the mean things he did to me and that he should be ashamed. You have perfectly described my family growing up. My mother even laughed at my brother’s rudeness toward me and told me I was a big baby for crying. My brother now in his 70’s will make a mean joke about someone and tell them they are too sensitive if they complain. One of my other brothers who was the ignored one makes jokes all the time to this very day. I was the scapegoat and emotionally more developed than my brothers after I left home. My oldest brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Everything you are saying is exactly what happened in our home and they continue to act these foolish ways today, as though they never matured. I began studying narcissism because of all the things my family did that didn’t make sense to me and began to realize their hatred toward me had nothing to do with me. I began to heal after that exponentially. The mascott in my family jokes all the time but rages when anyone disagrees with him, he seems angry all the time just below the surface. I was the scapegoated child and wanted to disappear to get away from my family and become what I wanted to be.
Can one be the lost child as well as the scapegoat? I am was adopted into a narcissistic home environment. I refer to myself as the “Cinderella” of children in the family. I’m now in my late 50’s and have become introverted though I love socializing every now and then. When I do verture out, my feelers on are high alert as I don’t see the world as a very safe place. I’m very careful as to whom I chose to allow in my inner circle and even then somehow manage to allow narcissist whom I end up having so much conflict with because of the why they show the same familier behaviours as the family I was brought up in whom adopted me. The narc experienced was mainly from my aunt. I’m still working through a lot of baggage from my experience but have come a long ways due to my faith paired with podcast such as yours. Thanks for all your hard work. I’m sure it’s helping a lot of hurting people out there. Keep up the good work!
I am the scapegoat and this is certainly and issue in society as well. I must ask what the reason we tend to empathize and relate with the other roles so deeply???Is there a co- occurring in these roles? For example, the scapegoat/ lost child/ caretaker/ black sheep yet parentified and not of use unless ” needed for other’s advantage… silented, neglected as individuals, not enough, no guidance, bullied by siblings ect ect ect
I was the first child… and was the only child for 9 years I was diagnosed with Dyslexia(I believe this was a misdiagnosis, and I might be more on the autism spectrum), but I believe I also have other issues that went undiagnosed like adhd… for those nine years I was simultaneously the hero, the scapegoat and the silent…then my first sibling was born… and he became the hero… while I suffered with undiagnosed AUDHD… then 5 years later my other sibling was born and the youngest became the hero… the middle child became the scapegoat… and I became a third parent who avoided conflict.
That was truly enlightening! Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such vivid facial expressions outsie of a Pixar movie. Beautiful. What I found distracting, however, was the stock footage — I didn’t realize they celebrate Thanksgiving in the middle east. Anyway, I’m in my early 50s and I’ve been doing a lot of healing work, not least by way of family constellation. Having seen this vid, I wonder whether one can be cast in all 4 roles. Seems to me I was scheduled to be the hero (but set up to fail miserably nonetheless, simply because my parents were too damaged, too deluded and, quite frankly, too stupid to knw any better), failing that I was made the scapegoat. Refusing that, I got lost and played the mascot for comic relief. Now here I am, functioning better and more resilient than my entire family yet still trying to make heads or tails of this mess. Thank you for quite a bit to let sink in and ponder.
I bumped into a kindergartens older sister a few times out with my dog and she always stops to talk not like rushing to go somewhere, after i learned she was the middle child among three, i said you’re the black sheep and felt her emotion.. I’m connected to all black sheeps, think im also the mascot too, had to joke when we go out to restaurants to break the humdrum other than that I perfer solo dining.. Thanks 🙏
Can you talk about the caretaker and golden child roles I saw elsewhere? My older brother was definitely the scapegoat, but I don’t see either myself or my younger brother in any of these 4 roles. I’m pretty sure I was a caretaker. I looked out for my siblings feelings, tried to keep things so Mom wouldn’t freak out, kept my younger brother occupied (to take stress off Mom). My younger brother was sort of a favorite, but not because of achievements (so not hero), and he wasn’t using humor to defuse situations. I think sometimes he added to the chaos, but not in a scapegoat way.
I think I played 3 roles. At times I was the hero. At other times I was the lost child. At the same time, I was also the mascot. My brother and sister seemed to both be scapegoats. They asserted themselves to the point where my brother walked away from the family 25+ years ago and my sister walked away last year. I’ve stuck it out feeling all 3 of these roles and teetering on the edge of walking away because of all the pressure that is on me now.
So interesting! One of my cousins and I were both treated like the Hero by our grandmother (actually I was treated like that by both my grannies, but one of them died when I was six). But mostly I was The Lost Child, and I still behave and feel like that, even though I am more capable of speaking up. I would stay away from my father’s new family because I couldn’t handle the level of chaos, conflict and drama. I missed my father so much, but I wisely kept my distance from all the drama in his family, and he mostly ignored me anyway if I did visit. And I also remember hiding under beds and in closets when my mother lost her temper on me. She would treat me like partly a Hero and partly a scapegoat, but I early learned to spend most weekends and holidays with other people (family, friends, friends of family), which was what I was expected to do. I was loved by her, and she did a lot of things right, but she couldn’t really handle having people so close to her all the time, and was not very good at regulating her anger. Her own parents were so immature (to put it nicely) when they had her, She judged my character like I was a grown up.
I would have to say I’m mostly the hero or lost child, my twin is probably mostly hero and mascot and my older sister is most definitely scapegoat, I’m always pressured to be perfect academically and if my grade is anything less then an A I’m in trouble but my siblings can have B’s and C’s I’m also pressured to be involved in many extracurriculars and have to be great at them too, but anytime there’s conflict in my family I immediately leave, my twin is probably mostly a mascot with a bit of hero because she’s really pressured to continue wrestling and be successful at it and she basically doesn’t even have the option of quitting it anymore but it’s not a super big deal if she doesn’t always do well and long as she keeps doing and keeps trying, around friends I’m definitely the mascot but around family she is, I’m not comfortable enough to make a joke cause if it ain’t good I’m criticized but she makes more jokes more often to kinda take tension out of situations, and my older sister is definitely the scapegoat because she’s blamed for a lot of things and her good qualities are never mentioned, only her bad ones
When I worked with substance abusers and their families, most of them could relate to this. What I found, however, is that often individuals who were raised in cultures other than western white culture couldn’t relate. I was never able to determine if this was truly a difference or a matter of semantics. I first learned of these family roles through John Bradshaw’s popular PBS presentation: John Bradshaw on the Family. I believe he is the one who used the metaphor of a mobile for system balance. Thanks for very coherent presentation. Being so much younger than my siblings, I was really a separate family. I once heard of a sub-group of the Lost Child that I related to: The Last Chance Child. This role seems to blend the Hero and Lost Child roles. I wonder if you could speak to that?
I used to think I was the hero child bc my parents were 1000x meaner to my sister…but now I realize I was maybe the lost child while they treated her as hero (publicly)/scapegoat (in private) Being a lost child made me incredibly independent and self sufficient l. I took care of myself as a kid, never caused trouble, and learned to not ask for things. I came out of the other end in much better shape than she did. It makes me feel guilty TBH. But we are both worlds NT though it and it’s brought us closer. Still, I struggle to be emotionally open and vulnerable with anyone but my husband. I have a very weak relationship with my parents.
I’m most definitely the Scapegoat. I also showed signs for many years of the Lost Child… But my grandmother even told me I was the scapegoat when i was little. I thought she was calling me a goat 😆…. Anyway.. this article is tripping me out… My older sis is the acheiver.. my little sister is the mascot and ive had it with her… Her behavior is actually what helped me realize that I was in a relationship with a real deal narcissist. I don’t know if my little sister is a true narc, but theres a lot there… I thought she was one and it helped me to learn about it which led to my escape… I went no-contact with my entire family. I took my daughter and I escaped my ex and I don’t want anything to do with any of them ever again. So is that how it quits working for the mascot? Fake positivity and not letting us be real or heal or have boundries? Damn.
I honestly feel like each one of my syblings were different roles for each parent. I was the hero child to my father but the scapegoat to my mother. I became the mascot for my older brother who was the hero to my mother but scapegoat to my father. My younger brother became the mascot for me but was the lost child to my parents. I don’t feel like each role was cemented for any of us it was all dependent upon who we were dealing with because my whole family was not together often even though we lived in the same house.
The Scapegoat ( me ), is usually the one who wants to change themself, the others seem to come down much harder on you, whilst you try and expose the false image of the family system for what it is. I have ended up cutting both siblings ( sisters ) out of my life and gone no contact. I believe that a narcissistic parent is the cause of designating certain roles to their kids within the family unit, and they are to blame and not me, but as we all know, it is never going to be their fault. The Scapegoated child will always be to blame for the rest of their lives ( I am now 50 ) and my relationship with both siblings was going no where. I hadn’t even seen them for 8 years, and still I was to blame for anything that went wrong, ………..so I gave up on them. It worsened after my Mum died ( Dad already gone ), the last time I spoke with them, My younger sister was mirroring my Dad to the older sister who was mirroring my Mum to the youngest. What is interesting is that they are both golden children ( one to my father and one to my mother ), and so they were mirroring to each other how specially they were treated by an individually iconic parent. I decided that this was so screwed up and that there was obviously no room for me any way other than being emotionally trashed. I made the right decision by not having any thing to do with any of them, and remain convinced that they are both Narcissists and that I am the only Empath,…………..which is why I was selected to be trashed on in the first place ( by a Narc Mother ).
Hi Barbara, I was a hero child highly perferming at school, university, PhD etc and once I had to enter the working world, I totally failed. Its as if I only knew how to gather all the information but was totally overwhelmed when I had to use it. As if I was stuck in a school dynamics. Does it make sense to you? I am 60 now and have never worked
What happens in a severe and intense case, many years on, as adults, some with children? Say, the roles have imploded/exploded; The family collapsed; Some have died by suicide; Some are permanently mentally ill with frontal lobe damage, hospitalisation and past issues of being a missing person; Some with mental illness are dual diagnoses; All have some form of diagnosed and undiagnosed mental illness; Some are completely cut off from the family and the world, almost in complete isolation; Some have acquired physical chronic stress related illness; The elderly parent is now being abused by the adult children; But they are all still living their roles and in intense denial; The roles are so enmeshed and intense that the roles change and some adult children have many roles? (This is a rhetorical hypothetical, like a thesis question. Please don’t reply.)
As a side note, still in the hypothetical vein. Say the author has many roles and many traumas. When the author goes and has gone to counselling or reached out to services, those counsellors and/or services have either been abusive, exploitative, or services and service providers on hearing traumas, get thrust into their own PTSD, and react by rescuing, overreaction, panic, shut down, dismissal, unintentional abuse, unintentional narcissism; with good intentions. The author can no longer have a 2 way website interaction with people who need to “help” them. Could you do a article on, multiple family roles put on one person, and what happens to that person taking on multiple changing family roles? Also recovering from and separating in a healthy way, after the traumatic damage of family roles, when children in dysfunctional families become adults and have their own children, amongst a backdrop of multiple chamelechally (that is adaptive chameleon like) changing roles of the survivor.
I am the scapegoat and invisible child. My youngest brother the clown, my other brother the high achiver. Both brothers have wives that live in different houses than they do and are on drugs. I am a gambling and food addict. I keep wishing to win the lottery so I can move as far away as possible from my mom and start cooking healthy. Which I actually love to do ironically. None of us have kids. We are all in our 40s.
Little something interesting I lived with my dad and his gf they had a kid together and anyway I was treated as kinda the escape goat or “problem child” it made me really depressed as it would an 11 year old to be blamed constantly for things that they had no part In and I turned into a “lost child from it of course even tho I did leave my room I was still blamed for things and I’m still very drawn away from people and keep to myself from that whole ordeal
I have been lied to everyday of my life. I do not claim that a blonde couple are my parents but perhaps they killed their original and maybe use me to fill in for the one they killed. I’m like a continued failure of their choice, not by birth as I still have hope in my heart that my real parents would never harm me.
I understand that constructs need definition. I feel that this article needs more definition around the degree of dysfunction in the family. Family systems or systems theory is important. However, there are so many additional variables that are inherent to life. With the other variables, personalities, life experiences,, family difficulties or trauma, I disagree with the content description of the rigid roles, that many people experience as children, as described in this article. I don’t disagree that there is an outline for these roles. I think people who watch this content, should be better informed. For many years after starting my own family, I left my parent’s home in tears, sobbing, after Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not because I was treated poorly at the time or fell into a rigid role. Rather the dynamic of being all together reminded me of how I felt valued as a child. I wasn’t any of the roles. My siblings don’t fit the rigidity of the roles. We all came from a dysfunctional family. I think labels help us understand ourselves ro a cerain degree, but, labels are also restrictive. The most important thing is to get therapy to process hurt and harm many people endure as children. Move through it with a therapist who doesn’t define you as a stereotype. (These roles aren’t in the DSM 5 as diagnoses). But rather listen to people’s experiences, use good therapeutic practices across theories, and allow the individual to grow without having a label as a victim. Again, I realize, many people have been victims of horribly dysfunctional families.
You are correct mostly. I made the decision to be the one in control of my life, no matter what. I did it I am doing it I have for over 30 years. You never mentioned being responsible for your own life, curious, at 23 I did this. I guess I’m just the odd one out. But wow you offer 6 months of BS to come to a self realization ! I just watch these occasionally for a laugh.